A Bahamian Political Review

by Larry Smith

Make fun of politics, everyone says.

Ok, you got me. Nobody really asked me to write a tongue-in-cheek, end-of-year political piece that could get me into a lot of hot water with people who have an abridged sense of humour.

But someone did ask me recently to work out a development strategy for the country - obviously convinced that I would totally outfox the politicos (see feedback below). Although flattering, that seems like too much effort for
this time of year.

No doubt critics will call this attempt at lightheartedness, heavy-handed, or just not up to their snuff. But when you are staring writer’s block in the face, anything is worth a try. The quotations below are either excerpts from actual speeches or slight adaptations from press reports. Not even the names have been changed.

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In a series of recent talks, Prime Minister Perry Christie encapsulated the administration’s economic policy:

“My government is about positive transformation and about empowering The Bahamas and our people. The projects we have approved are a clear manifestation of confidence by the developers in the economy, government and people of this nation.

"Let me be even more frank about it: I do not see my country through the lens of the fat cats. I see it through the eyes of Bahamians who watch as our country is sold out lock, stock and barrel to fast-talking land developers and quick-buck artists.

"But we do not live in the past anymore, and we do not live in the future yet. We live in the present and we must find our way to the future."

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Here, the prime minister speaks to the dire social issues confronting the nation. And these are very clearly urgent matters that we most certainly have to address frankly as a matter of priority:

“It has not been possible to date, even though I have tried to presumptuously state in unequivocal terms that if I can speak for the government and its agencies as I can, and if each of you here can speak or cause things to be spoken for in this way, then what then stops us from having five points that we can agree on...Not in any public, political way, but from identifying needs.

“And I am saying that if we can do those things, then we can better harmonize the strategies and initiatives we take to improve our country, (and) we could most certainly rationalize more efficiently the resources we dedicate to these things.”

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We have been told by experts that because it is the majority party, there are proportionally more gays and lesbians in the PLP than in the FNM. And this is why the government now considers gay tourism to be an important niche market – even though the prime minister opposed gay cruise ships when the PLP was the minority party.

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In a dramatic move yesterday, Trade & industry Minister Leslie Miller ordered all businesses to reduce their prices by at least 100 per cent during the holiday season to ease the pain of consumers.

Mr Miller said for too long the burden of high prices had been placed on the backs of the Bahamian public, while merchants and service providers were only profiting from the Christmas spirit.

“I’m urging the public to patronise only those businesses that have their interest at heart and which cut their prices by a 100 per cent margin. We must have a conscience and absorb some of the increases that come upon us,” he added.

Mr Miller was supported in his position by leaders of the Public Service Union, who are worried that their recent pay rise will be eaten up by the cost of goods and services that their members are forced to buy for Christmas.

“My ministry has a duty to protect the small man and I am not worried about the big man,” Mr Miller said. “Every Bahamian is entitled to his or her fair share and that can’t happen if the private sector won’t co-operate.”

Most government agencies have already taken steps to address the issue. The measures include getting private business to fund departmental Christmas parties, cutting back on services to allow public officers to collect those funds, and providing customers with vouchers for future service in 2008.

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Government officials declared recently that the multi-million-dollar redevelopment of Nassau was already underway.

Of course, we had to find a Russian Jew from South Africa with the smarts to build a replica of an Out Island village on Paradise Island, where a single drink costs $14 plus tip. But we managed to do it, and now tourists can safely browse the marina shops and listen to Bahamian music without fear of being harassed, cursed or spat upon.

This is what true national development is all about. And it will certainly form one of the planks of Tough Call’s national development strategy – find more Russian Jews from South Africa.

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Meanwhile, self-acclaimed Bishop Neil Ellis has announced plans for cosmetic surgery to lower his perpetually raised eyebrows, which many parishioners fear make him look too ‘devil-may-care’.

And in a related development, God recently denied having any links to the Full Gospel pastor. Earlier this year, God became concerned when he received reports that Bishop Ellis was asking his congregants to become PLP’s.

This is not the first time Bishop Ellis has been in trouble with God. The Divine Being was reportedly upset by his electioneering on behalf of the PLP in 2002 when he claimed that a vote for the PLP was a vote for God.

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The Free National Movement has announced a new “leader-in-training” programme designed to ensure a smooth transfer of leadership in future.

A special academy is being set up for the children of elite FNM politicians. They will be thoroughly trained in how to recognise party financiers, how to maintain a low profile, how not to cultivate the press and how to avoid talking about the issues until it's too late.

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Law & order fans are rejoicing over the fact that white police will soon be beefing up security patrols in Black Village and white marines will be arresting illegal Haitians.

That’s because the government recently set quotas to ensure appropriate white and off-white employment levels throughout the civil service.

This was due to rising public concern about the lack of government jobs for the (Bay Street) boys and their descendents.

The quotas were worked out by a blue ribbon commission appointed by the prime minister earlier this year to look into all aspects of proportional racial employment.

The commission heard from dozens of witnesses, including Foreign Minister Fred Mitchell, Black Nationalist Dexter Johnson, Tribune Publisher Eileen Carron, “I not a Haitian” Koed Smith, Dr Keith Wisdom (who ought to know what a Bahamian is by now), and the entire marketing department at Kalik beer.

There was much debate over the difference between phenotypical colour and associational colour. What this means is that “white” does not necessarily mean “caucasian”, but “black” often does.

However, because our modern-day birth certificates do not have check boxes for race, it was impossible to resolve this issue. Experts had to rely on optical evidence only, which is clearly inaccurate.

The first step to implement the quota system is to phase in local whites as off-the-shoulder dancers in the top Junkanoo groups this Christmas. White ‘conians will then be recruited to answer the phones at BTC (as in "ow har you?", but officials are still unsure just how Long Islanders will fit into the scheme.

And in a long-awaited development, corpses will no longer be permitted to practise social exclusion. At least 20 per cent of all white deceased persons will have to be buried by Butler’s Funeral Home.

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Rumours are that FNM Deputy Leader Brent Symonette meets every Sunday to give FNM Leader Hubert Ingraham instructions on what to say and do during the week.

Experts say it is clear that Symonette is pulling the strings and has a blueprint for domination of the Bahamas by persons of associational colour.

But what is even more remarkable is how PLP politicians are able to resist the blandishments of power and money to pursue a course of fiscal rectitude and racial masculinity.

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The government has not tabled a report on the state of education in the country for the past decade – although this is required by law.

And neither has it issued a report to the nation on the results of the expensive Cable Beach conference held last summer to review the state of education in the country

But a recent report by the private sector (a group of employers and trade unionists) produced disturbing evidence that our education system – which absorbs hundreds of millions of dollars a year - was producing a society of innumerate illiterates. And if you don’t know what that means you are part of the problem.

Experts are asking how we can open up the economy to the outside world, when most Bahamians are not being equipped by our education system to compete with the guy down the street. Even the West Indians, who would be the first to come, would likely run rings around our entrepeneurs. And that is not to mention the equally illiterate (but harder working) Haitians.

How can our political leaders – on both sides of the fence - just sit back and say and do nothing in the face of such a huge threat to the future of the country and the people they claim to love so much?

According to one commentator, “suggesting that we are just an offshore extension of the American economy and a willing protectorate of the US government can generate howls of outrage and contradiction from assorted intellectuals, patriots and politicos, but pointing out that we are raising generations of angry, fatherless thugs who can’t read, write or count is apparently AOK and of little consequence.”

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And finally, here’s some feedback from Tough Call’s mailbag...

“Just who does Smith think he is? I would have thought that his experience with the Commission of Inquiry into drugs and corruption would have taught him a lesson or two all those years ago. What makes him think he has a right to pontificate on things today?” -- Exuma voter

“Your columns are often shocking and unreal - they are just too balanced, well-researched and finely written. It’s a pity you are not a real journalist. Did you know they have online schools for journalists now? -- The Source

“I read your column every week, but sometimes I find it confusing. First you say yes, then you say no, then you say yes again. What’s going on here? Why can’t you just pick one side and run with it? -- Indecisive

“Mr Smith sees no difference between the PLP and the FNM...(he) quotes Robert Louis Stevenson on the lack of preparation required for those pursuing a political career and charges a failure by both political parties to draft a strategic plan to guide our national development...Perhaps the columnist will share his recommendations for a strategic plan for the Bahamas in a future column.” -- Alkema Pinder

“Tough Call’s column is the best thing since sliced bread. In fact, it should be transmitted into space so the entire universe could read it.” -- Your mum

Comments

[toughee]

this seems so unreal

[larry smith]

but every word is true.